So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
