i need an iv and a liver transplant
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
