I'm laying in your front yard are you home
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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