I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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