i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
