Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
