There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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