my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
