what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
