Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
