Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
