You just made me feel so damn special
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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