I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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