If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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