Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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