I wanna bring you to show and tell
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We need to feng shui this bitch.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
