New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
