im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
