nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
