Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
zippers are such a cool invention
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
