32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
