margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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