i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
