first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
