The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
