he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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