What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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