Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
