Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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