Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
