I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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