My sheets look like a crime scene.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
