I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
