then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
