Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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