I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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