Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
this boner is exhausting
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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