My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
