Don't you send me to vm
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Even my vagina gasped.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
