For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
