I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
