So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
