woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize