just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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