Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
