I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
