I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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