I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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