you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
