I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
