I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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