gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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