He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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