someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
