So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
