This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
