seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
