You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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