I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
