I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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