I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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